July 3, 2015

First in, first out

So I started the year (December 31, 2014 actually) with the promise to myself that I will not be involved with anyone for a year. I arrived in Siargao that day with a friend with high hopes for myself and the future. I immediately set out to hug my daughter Zarina who is under the care of her yaya, Auntie Cathy, while I work in an office in Cebu. We chose to stay in Siargao as Z is happiest there. Imagine being able to dip your toes everyday at the world-class beach which is just a stone's throw away from the home that we stay in. She was so happy to see me and I was even more happier to hug and kiss her after a month of not being together. We played until afternoon and caught up with Auntie Cathy and her family on the island's juiciest news and the common chika. By dinner time, we had the best dinner to cap the year off with grilled fish, veggie salad and rice. Nothing beats the island food as they are just the best all-year round!

It was my first New Year's Eve celebration in the island. So I decided to go to the bar to celebrate it with friends in the island as my kid and Auntie Cathy's family went to church. We rang in the New Year with a bang, and it was the best party to welcome the year. I had so much fun that night and it raised my hopes beyond self-control. 

I was on leave from work because our company couldn't afford to pay us anymore. It was a company initiated leave which I was also happy to take because Siargao Island; no more other reasons could be valid. My days were filled with kids, my own and others just frolicking at the beach, doing sweet nothings, laughter, jokes and dreams filled the air. It was a great start of my year. Until that weekend when I went out to party at my friend's cafe, we played King's Cup and I got so drunk with a lot of people drinking rum and coke and everything else. We went to dance at the jungle disco and it was just so much fun I got whacked out of my brains. It was then I met someone who I knew way back in 2013. He who shouldn't be named. So we were both drunk and we went to heaven 3rd floor after the party. And that started our affair which I thought would be fizzling out fast but it actually went deeper than how I thought it would be. 

There were challenges; yes, I never imagined that his landlady would be against our relationship but thinking about it, the landlady is kinda against people who are happy with their own lives. When I used to stay at her cottage, she would be nice to me and I was also nice to her and her family but what she talks about behind my talk are not exactly nice. But I thought that this would be irrelevant now that I don't rent in her cottage anymore. I was wrong because the boy I am seeing is living in her cottage. Okay. So one night, she approached me and said I don't like what's going on between you and *toot*. I don't like you coming over and staying in *toot*'s room. If you continue this, I will have him out of my house. 

It was the shock of my year. And mind you, the year just got started and we just got started. Looking back at it now, I should have left. I should have never come back. I should have just focused on myself and our future with my kids. But I didn't coz I'm stubborn like that. Yeah, should have.

I went back to the room where he was sleeping. I woke him up and told him about what happened downstairs. He said don't mind her. Stay here. It was raining hard outside and seems like sheer coincidence that my heart was being broken into pieces then the rain just poured hard that I couldn't go home on my bike. Just what happens in the movies except this didn't have a soundtrack. He reiterated himself and said it again, stay here. 

Okay then. But I was crying myself to sleep. I woke up at the crack of dawn and he woke up beside me to and said he has to go and teach surfing. He told me again to stay in his room until he got back. Downstairs I could hear people waking up and getting ready for school and work; the landlady is a teacher at a nearby school and naturally everyone would be out by 7am. 

He came back at 9am. We had hot drink and bread and talked about what happened. I had developed some fondness of him coz he seemed to be stubborn like me as well. He told me to not mind the landlady. He pays rent for the room so she didn't have the right to say that to his visitor. It was logical, yeah, so I believed him. But the rest of the time I was just uncomfortable being there but I still went coz I was working on his pc. We continued to go out, we would talk on the beach, just lie there under the sun and talk about ourselves and some personal history though one thing we never talked about, his separation with his previous relationship. So I didn't touch that. I didn't want to be intruding on his life.

I headed back to Cebu via Cagayan to join the Sinulog festivies. The weeks-long of being together though it was kinda like stolen moments that one would imagine that happens in highschool. So full of char (sorry for lack of better term). I enjoyed the Sinulog, went back to work the next day and proceeded on to my daily routine. Work on weekdays, go to Dad's in the province on weekends. In those days I enjoyed being on the phone with him, talking about our hopes and dreams for the future. And I was just mooning over the fact that finally, I found someone who shared my love for the island and we want to stay on the island for as long as we can. We also wanted to travel to other parts of the country but still go back to Siargao Island that we call home. I was lucky to be able to shuffle back and forth Cebu and Siargao because my boss allowed me to go on remote work whenever I am in the island. We officially became a couple by the end of January.

February came and I was back in the island. We were more closer than ever and we even decided to live together. I know, I know, it was too fast but hey, we loved each other so much we didn't want to be away from each other. We rented a house with 3 bedrooms and it was just a lovely time being together until I was back in Cebu after 2 weeks and he asked me if I was ready to resign. I said, financially, no, but I said I want to. He said why not resign now. So by March 8, I came back to the island and just happily spent time with my daughter and him but I wasn't just ready to resign yet. Something in my mind kept telling me that this is a wrong decision because it wasn't my decision. It was not in the original plan. I didn't resign but I went home anyway and followed my heart. And went into my doom. 

The first few weeks were a joy, until I drained all my money. He wasn't as hardworking as he seemed to me when we first got together. He was using my postpaid sim card to play online games and there was no work to be done. He was not proactive in seeking students to teach surf and he's just basically waiting everyday to be given a student to teach by a friend who has long boards. We had our small fights then one night he left me. I was astonished to come home to a house with destroyed locks and it was empty. His things weren't there anymore, even my external HD and ATM card. He still owed me money.

I cried 2 rivers and an ocean that night. I didn't eat for 2 days. And when I got up, it felt like my world just ended. Even Zarina couldn't comfort me anymore. On the 4th day, I resolved to be better. Better as in feel better and not feel like shit anymore and what better way to cover those shitty feelings is by way of alcohol and nicotine. I partied hard, went out with girl friends, got free drinks, told the story over and over again to anyone who asked and cared to hear it. Then exactly 1 week after, he came back to the house. Said sorry and that he's just a baby but promised to never leave me again. I was happy but I didn't show it, of course. But as the days came by I welcomed him again with open arms and we just became a couple once more. 

Then we found out I'm pregnant. I have been sporting this tiny bump for days and we just felt that I might be pregnant. Our feelings have proved to be correct when I had a test and I calculated I was 2 month pregnant. The look on his face was something I could not explain; he was not happy nor sad. He just looked somewhat scared. 

The sickness started. I would be feeling sick every day at 6pm and would be craving food that I don't normally eat on a daily basis. Dried fish, Virgina hotdog, ice candy, burgers. I eat them, yes, but not everyday because I have a kidney problem. One week of eating them straight gave me UTI and I had to suffer for 3 days and drink coconut water for a week. We both knew we were not equipped to be parents again. 

Money was an issue because neither of us had it. He didn't work because he loathes the idea of working and not having his own time. I was already looking for online jobs though I knew I could go back to Cebu anytime to my managerial position, I just felt it wasn't right to do so and leaving my kid and him again is something I didn't want to do. We get by with small money that he earns from his surf lessons and I would budget the money for food for the next few days knowing that he won't be able to make money again soon. It was hard. I didn't want this. 

One night we were having dinner, I told him about our option. He didn't respond constructively and he took it against me. That same night he resolved to leave me, pregnant and all. The night before Mothers' Day. 

I wish we had it differently. From the time we got close, I wish I didn't pursue the idea of us being together aggressively because there were things that were not right. Like finding out that he wasn't paying his rent like he said. He was staying there for free but contributing to the food only. And so many other things that I wish I didn't find out but disregarded for the sake of our blooming relationship. These things didn't matter to me because what was important was us, and not his past. But it should have. What does it matter now?

I'm running 4 months now and happier at the thought of being a mom for the third time. I wish it's a girl but a boy would also be nice. Any gender as long as it's normal and healthy and I would be the happiest mother in the day I would give birth. I have not made contact with him yet because he left me. There's this pride thing that I have as we all do. The 2nd time he left me just crushed me, pushed me through a rough wipeout and left me with almost no hope. But I was able to get back up and now that things are looking up nicely for me, I am back stronger than before. Picking up on the pieces I left just to be with him. 

That was quick. January to May. Shortest but the roughest. Time is a good healer and I know that in due time, it will scar up nicely and I will remember it, but not the feeling anymore. 

First in this year, and also the first out. 


On his bike by the road at Tatay Delfo's BBQ place

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