April 14, 2011


Maybe love is like a place, or your room, or an island. You don't fall inlove with it because it made you to. You fell inlove with it because you wanted to. And when the feeling dies, you want out but you realize you just can't give up and move on to another place. You just need to take time to rediscover the corners and nooks and open your heart and fall in love with it one more time.

Well, I got back here this morning after a 2week break and pretty much said to myself, why, isn't this a ghost town? I felt so alone and detached from this island that I called home for the last 2 months. Now I feel like an alien intruding an old planet. I am practically alone, because I live alone and mostly do things alone here. Then I work and coop myself up in this room most of the day, and night, and I hardly feel the urge to go out and say hi to the people I made friends with like I did the last time. Another adjustment period, I guess, and I hope it goes away fast.
All of my romantic notions of the island seemed a distant memory now. I wanted to stay here and build a house and live here for as long as I can take it. Maybe meet someone who I can have an island love affair with. Reality just kicked me in the face and so I burrowed myself in neck deep work from the moment I finished my 4hour rest from the time I arrived this morning. Work calls, and I answer. Fuck all thoughts for the future. This is now and I must make the most of out of it. Tomorrow will come when the sun rises the next day, but for now, today, the present is a gift that will become an insignificant past when used unwisely. It is today that we are living in, the past should be a reminder of where we shouldn't be going, and the future must be looked out on with a positive energy. But most importantly, we must live today. What we do today, at this very moment, defines who and what we are going to be tomorrow. 

Living in paradise isn't easy when half of the world don't even know the meaning of it

At this point, I am thinking, I will take steps everyday that will get me closer to making my dreams for tomorrow come true. While it is crucial to make the most of every moment, it is also true that there is a time for everything. Now is a good time to be serious about prioritizing goals for the future. I am almost 26 now, and by far the greatest achievement that I have ever done is becoming a mother. It is something that I have to prove to myself every time that I can be a good, if not, the best one for my kid, by making the right decisions for myself and having dreams for him in the future. 

We may be in a less than ideal situation now, but there is still tomorrow. What's important is that today, hope and love are not lost as these guide us to where we should be. Life is not a black and white setup, we may acquire so much skills and knowledge but treading through life is guided by something we do not have full control of, which accounts for the beauty of life. Because there is beauty in uncertainty. After all our thirst for control, we long to let go of ourselves again and lose our minds in the uncertainties of life. The human behavior can be summed up in these words: For we cannot find what is not lost. Everyday we look for something, and when we finally satisfy that, we try to look for something again that is out of reach. Our wanting and needing just never stops. What is contentment? What is being happy with what we have? Why do we come up with something new to need? Or want? Where does this all come from? What stimuli causes us to even think about these? And out of the gazillion things in the world, why just certain things are being picked out by our brain and emotions as the stimuli that caused us to want and need new things?

And why all of a sudden I am writing all this? LOL Isn't it nice to question things around us once in a while? Yes, it is. As a matter of fact, it is in questioning that we come up with answers that guide or change the way we live. It shapes us into more of ourselves. We don't change, we just become more of ourselves. Our experiences amplify who we really are inside, and eventually the real us comes out when that turning point presents itself before our very eyes. So who do we really want to be? 

I quote E. B. White, "I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." A part of me wants to become an earth mother. Someone everyone can rely on. Someone people could run to for almost all kinds of problems. Then at the end of the day, I sleep peacefully beside my kids and wake up to prepare their breakfast and take care of them and other people the next day, over and over again. Yet, there's this something I could not quite describe, but it is spliced within my psyche. It wants to party all day and night and not care about the future. It wants to enjoy the world, go around it, taste every part of it and take a piece of it without guilt or second thoughts. I figured I don't have to choose between the two, because I can have the best of worlds if my conscience allows me. Good thing, there's this vigilant guard who never sleeps, watches over me and sees everything I do and tells me when to stop. Which is probably why I never really fell into the rabbit hole, rather, inched my way down in it, inspecting each corner, each nook as I slowly and carefully held on to every stone, plant or crevice that I can hold on to as not to overly scathe myself and still come out alive and kicking like an Essex horse on K.

What did I learn out from all this? Nothing. And everything. I learned that nothing can change me, unless I want to change myself. And I learned everything is temporary, change is the only thing constant. So instead of trying to hold on to something, we must learn instead the best way to follow that thing, what our heart most desires. Everything here on earth is borrowed. We aren't as lucky as we thought we are. We never inherit anything, we only borrow it from our children and it is our duty as citizens of the world to take good care of what we have now so when time comes that we pass on to them what is due, they, too, will be able to experience the good of what life has to offer. Nothing is brand new, or original. Because everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. Even us, humans, who claim to be unique, apart from the other, and when everyone else is unique, then you're no different from anybody.

All simple things makes sense, but then again when everything makes sense logically, we try to create something unfathomable, inexplicable and beyond comprehension and take pride in the fact that there is something we know that others don't know yet. We are selfish animals, we only look after ourselves and those we love. If only we could put our hearts to the test and expand it and fill it with as much as we could, then the world would be a better place. Forget about judgments, forget prejudice, forget ideals, forget self and remember that there is only one world, and we share it with billions of other human beings. We may not understand each other, but when it comes to love, there is only one language that should be enough to unite us in our hopes and dreams for the future in this world.

When things go awry, let's not give up. Let's rediscover the beauty that got us hooked in the first place. Every moment is a chance to show that we care. At the top is not the gold or the prestige, it's the word Altruism that most of us don't really care to know the meaning of.


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