May 26, 2012

Another tough shell to crack

Finally, silence. 

Weird that I felt relieved when my friend left with her friends to party. They were heading to this last summer party here that's quite famous and is always celebrated every year. The past few days since Thursday has been quite a change from the semi-idyllic living I experienced in the province when I stayed with my cousin who lives just near my father's place. I had stayed there for almost a week, had to leave so as not to stir more trouble as I already had when I took up my cousin's offer to stay with her. Strange that her younger sisters did not like having visitors over, I would guess especially families (me a first cousin) who they have not seen for the last decade or two. Their house is a 5-bedroom house with a space so huge anyone could have a party of 100 in there anytime. But it's their family house and they can make decisions as they wish. 

Here in my friend's house, she had just assumed this property months ago from a friend. It's a unit from one of the low cost housing subdivisions in the area and I can say the units are pretty decent. It's like rows of seemingly endless townhouses almost identical to each other, differentiating themselves by their owner's personality. My friend has her cousin living with her who also works at the same resort she works for. She is the bar captain in one of the bars there, her cousin an on-call duty waiter. The life they live is like a mechanical dream. They work, party, work, party and work. And in betweens, they make a pause to reflect on where they are in life. 

I think I have just come out of my depression. I was feeling so sad since I got here. Sad because of the agonizing wait that I have to experience just because of an unclear business structure in which I got involved with in the island. I am one of those people who like to be on schedule in terms of calendar dates and this whole waiting thing just messed up my rhythm and gave me depression. I am 4 days behind already as I am supposed to go back to my place by the 22nd, and now I am still here and it's 26th already. I am mad, angry, sad, depressed, outraged, name it, I feel it. And at the bottom of it all, I feel so disadvantaged. Insulted even. I could waste all day writing about the emotions I felt and feel up to now but I won't delve into that. So much time I have wasted here already doing nothing but feeling all kinds of things. And I am pregnant. 

I am 5 months pregnant. I have gone past the nauseous stage but this week it feels like that stage is coming back to me again. There are moments in a day that I could vomit because of anxiety and friends tell me it's not good. This is not good. I'm supposed to relaxed and stress-free. I miss my Tyler, my love, my pad, my bed, my semi-functional kitchen, my small space. Me. I missed fulfilling my obligations this week because of this. And just because of this.

I feel like a negatron. I can't help but feel so negative with all this problems of non-delivery of payment. Excuses, lack of communication, mistrust, backlogs, and just general badness of the whole thing. I remember a friend who introduced me to the positive side of things and I am trying to go back to the feeling of being able to see the positive side of the bullshit, but I just can't see no mushroom. I just see bermuda grass with a whole big pile of shit on it. 

I feel sorry for my baby who have been affected, and whose life I risked because of my impulsiveness. She (it's a girl) has been my anchor these past few months and continue to be throughout this event. She moves a lot already and we have bonded in a way that only those who have been pregnant can understand. She touches me whenever I'm too busy and sometimes it tickles, and I touch my tummy to let her know I feel her. Then I would feel a series of shifting movements inside as if she were settling into a more comfortable position inside of me. I am thankful to have one strong baby girl.

We have gone through so much, me and her. My first 3 months were weekly trips to the ER and getting admitted because of pre-labor contractions. Puking, nausea, pain all over. I went through it all worse. My weekly expenses for my vitamins and meds was PhP4,568. I was always advised to stay in bed. But me, I could never let grass grow under my monstrous feet. I don't want my pregnancy to stop me from living my life. And I did. I still went out to shoot and recently tried firing a .45 caliber gun and found myself quite good at it. I have been used to air rifles since I was 7 years old and the shift to hand gun was somehow disconcerting because of the different stance and discipline I had to learn. I applied the same style of breathing and it just worked. I was feeling bored one day and just took a bus to Iligan to dip in the beach and paddle on a surf board, praying for waves. Unfortunately, there were no waves that day but I went home still happy from my adventure. Now that my tummy is big, I haven't been able to move around that much. Can't eat a lot but have to accommodate my cravings that can range from juices to ice cream to cakes to pizza to fruits, and this happens any time of the day. 

I will be giving birth on September. So excited to finally have a baby girl. I have Tyler boy and now a baby girl. =) Life is lovely after all. 

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