August 26, 2011


Almost 3 in the morning, I plop back into my bed and onto my laptop after a quick grub in the city. I learned a lot about myself and love tonight. I cannot change for whoever and that love is not meant to be defined.

I do self checks frequently just to make sure that I am what I think I am and that it manifests in what I do. The most recent happening just validated that I don't do my best work in tight places. I am claustrophobic and this phobia exaggerates itself in several and different forms of confinement.
One example, there was one time when I was a kid, my mom got tired of me always moving around and this caused her to get mad (and because of her mood swings, too, probably) at me and locked me in the stock room. It felt weird, it was the first time that it happened like that where someone, my mom, locked me in. I didn't cry. It took me a while to feel it that I was being locked in. I just had to do something. The lock from the outside was only a string that had to be worn over a nail to prevent the door from opening, and I found a piece of paper which I folded thinly so that it fitted the door slit and I was able to push the string out the nail's head and I let myself out. I paraded proudly infront of my mom who looked shocked to see that I got out. She asked angrily why, she didn't even ask how (LOL), and I said I needed to pee. The rest, I don't wanna tell you about. :-)

I was always a firm believer of the outdoors. I am grateful that I was born into parents who had the freedom to go outdoors not only as leisure but also for business as well. You see, my dad makes and repairs guns. He goes to shoot and hunt along with my mom. Everytime they go out for a shoot or a hunt it's also like advertising their goods and services. Which works well for them since these are also the things that they love to do and are passionate about. They shoot and hunt responsibly. I would get tagged along to competitions and hunting sprees and as early as 5, I was able to try to shoot already with the guidance, of course, of my dad. Their life revolved around doing the things that they love and they make money out of it. They did not conform to the 9-5 society and as early as in that time, I knew I wanted that kind of life too. 

Which, by the way, turned out to be not so well-received by my family. I didn't graduate highschool, and if not for that homestudy program by the government I wouldn't have been able to step foot in college. And I didn't graduate college because I didn't wanna sit down for several hours with those people I don't know. I wanted to stand up. I remember one minor subject teacher in college telling me that I think too differently, maybe I should try to conform a bit to society. Why not, this time, the society tries to conform with me?

In relationships, I can't say I'm proud of of them, because most of them I got fed up with and just said I can't do this anymore. Some got lucky and got to be the ones to just walk away without saying anything, not even to redeem themselves. Which, I must add, got me feeling hopeless (romantic) and it lead me to lose my fascination with men at times. Being in a relationship is like being boxed. And if you remember, I don't do my best work in tight places. I tend to be demanding, whiny, clingy, paranoid and just plain bitchy (not the horn dog kind, mind you). I am naturally paranoid, and I discovered this when I was still in gradeschool when I would imagine the worse things that would ever happen to me so when it actually happened and it's less than what I imagined, my relief just uplifts me in a way that orgasms do. Which means to say, I am not a good girlfriend. Or wife. Period. Or maybe nobody just can handle me? (LOL) I think it's just so much better when you're friends with the people you care about. Like my relationship with my kid, we're best of friends and we know each other's buttons and it's just nice that at the end of it all, our respect and love for each other has remained and has become the basis of our friendship. I'm not only his mother but I am also his friend. And I am so proud that he is growing to be a smart and witty boy. 

This is also what happens to me in office work. I get excited, all warm and fuzzy, much like being in the initial stages of a relationship, then everything becomes a routine and I fantasize of those fun times again and I decide to leave. I have never lasted more than a year in an office. The longest I have been in an office was 11 months. Yes, I couldn't stay for a month longer. But with online work I am always excited and looking forward to the next task. And I'm happy. It's almost 2 years now that I've been doing online work and it just keeps getting better. 

Maybe I just think in too simple terms. If its easy, it's free, then it's meant to be. This is not the age of the past where we had to set sacrifices. They have been there, they have done that. So why do I have to do it all over again? I wear my own shoes, trod my own path and leave my own marks. I may misstep on a rock and tumble over but I dust myself off and walk again. It's not the end of the world if you're not yet breathing your last whif of air. We gotta keep moving. There's too much drama in getting stuck and time is money, as we all know, and nobody really wants to spend money on bullshit. Unless you're a farmer and you're buying bullshit to use as fertilizer. 

I'm not a hedonist, either. I did my share of hedonism before but I figured it out quickly that it's not for me.What I really want to become is an earth mother, to ascend to altruism and help as many as I can. The road going there has been tough and the thing that I have proven to myself as of this point is that I really want that. To be selfless most of the time and take a little time off from that to reflect on my path. 

So where does this put me now? I'm just gonna focus in the present now, on what I can do to increase my productivity and just let it accumulate for the future. We don't really know what the future holds for us and we don't have the right to know. But what we can do is determine ourselves so we have a clear vision of what we will be in the future. I am enthusiastic that this is going to be another fun adventure in life. Another chapter of which I just started to write about today. 
I'm just one person who's not meant to be in a relationship. Because it's against my belief that things should be easy and free for it to be meant to be. :-)

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