It was almost 4am of August 26, 2011 and I was standing on the street waiting for a motorela home. I just bought sweets from Shanghai bakery; I needed some treat because I had just broken up with a boyfriend who lived and worked in Dubai. We broke it up via Skype.
It was swift and almost painless. Almost. I didn't expect it to end like that, and over a small misunderstanding. Bottomless pit, apathy, moving on...
Twelve hours passed and found myself standing again on the road, and this time, waiting for a motorela to take me to Mandumol. It was my friend's joint birthday party with her niece and she wanted to make sure I am there. I got there early and they were still making preparations for the party. Her father instructed us if we could get something from the grocery. I tagged along.
Girls going around a mall can be time-consuming and we did consume time looking at earrings. They had really nice earrings and it was cheap, too. My friend bought me one and called it a break up gift. Hehehe, a first that I received as such!
Attending a birthday party that was not exactly intimate when one just went through a break up, several hours before that, is not advisable. One puts on a plastered smile and murmur courtsies like a child. After I ate, I just felt really sleepy and out of energy so I asked my friend if I could sleep in her room. Never have I slept nicely than I did during that time.
She woke me up and it was time to go. We were at least 4 in the car and my friend said she could drop us in the city. I wanted to go where my friends were and they were downtown in a bar.
Floating but happy. Happy that at least it was done and over with. But not quite.
Getting inside the bar felt like a different planet to me. I've spent so much time in the island that I've forgotten what it's like. Sat with friends, drank and smoked with them and I comfortably eased back into the bar atmosphere. Two pitchers and a pack of cigarettes later, the ex-bf called and I answered it outside. Just checked if I was okay, and asked if I was drunk. Tipsy, but not drunk. And yes, happy. We missed each other so bad.
Back inside, I felt like it was time to go. Empty chitchats, apparent flirting and tipsy discretion just wasn't for me. I lingered for a while, burrowed myself in clicking away on my phone even if there was nothing important there. A text came. From JKS. He asked me where I was and if I could go out. I desperately said yes.
He picked me up and went straight to a safe place, far from pretentiousness. It was just me and him. We met several years back and worked on the same stuff. I knew him and vice versa. We just didn't talk back then. And here we are in the same room, weird but not awkward.
He was someone I thought to be mysterious and no-nonsense, someone who scares you at first instance. But in that space of time, he was totally a different person to me. He opened up about that time when we both saw each other. We meshed our stories and it was just amazing to hear both sides of the situation. Wonderful. He was even a kind gentleman and did not dare to go near me. We just talked for hours and when the conversation became old, we decided to go home. He took me home.
We texted each other after that. We went out again for a few more times going on a cake date, dinner and just talking. The texting became frequent and this formed an attachment for both of us. We were constantly talking on the phone if not together, texting in between of errands and work. It was obvious something was going on.
One night we went out, he seemed tired and not his usual chatty self. We just laid on the bed, talking about small things and just when we were about to go, he told me I LOVE YOU. His voice small and almost inaudible, weird in a room that it was just us two. He said it again, I LOVE YOU. I just had to make sure that I heard it right and read his lips. I couldn't believe it. I laughed. He got angry.
I got off the bike and walked to open the gate, he had this look on his face that made me feel sorry that I laughed at him. He drove off into the night.
I couldn't sleep.
We were texting again lunch time the next day and he asked me about that laugh and what was that. The truth is, I couldn't believe it. I, myself, have been struggling with my emotions that past few weeks of that time coz I think I was falling in love with him. And he had to know why. He had already texted me to stop this while it's still early, no use continuing this if I didn't feel the same. I told him my reason.
He visited me after dinner of that same day. And we became a couple.
I understood his obligations and responsibilities, and I knew my limitations. Still, it didn't stop us from having fun every time we're together. We were having fun, in love and happy with everything.
Then I got pregnant.
My world fell upside down. It meant no more magic carpet rides, no more tagging along and no more going out on fun dates. A love no more.
Or, at least, that's how I thought about it.
I wasn't busy with myself anymore. My free time ended up consistently texting him, asking if he could come over, if he could buy me magazines and ice cream. If could buy me my medications and vitamins at the middle of the night. If he could just be with me, and I will be okay.
My pad became a 2 bedroom apartment months after that. He was supportive of my decision to transfer and even gave me what I need to buy all that I needed. I wasn't working anymore. Days rolled into weeks, and I became a regular at LKK's bingo hall. I even won PhP10,000 on my first time and donated half of that for a friend who had been in an accident. And I forgot to spare a barato for my bf. LOL
I gave birth and he wasn't there. His phone can't be reached, and I didn't have his friends' numbers. Floating feeling. Abandoned feeling.
Two days after I was able to reach him. And he came. He was really awkward towards me and focused on the baby. I did my best to be the loving and welcoming girlfriend by hiding my feeling and emotions. I almost won an award.
We came home and it was such an awkward situation knowing he won't be there always. He had to come home to us every night, as what a normal new father would do. I was happy.
But I was getting bored. I went back to work 20 days after that.
I tried to keep the fun and when I got a nanny for the baby, I insisted on a date. What clean fun.
We settled as a family and it was nice. Monday thru Saturday, we had a sense of family as we ate dinner together and slept together, ate breakfast together and just functioned like any normal family would. We bought stuff for our apartment, went to get groceries together, decided on what to do together. It was lovely.
Not as lovely though when we were still baby-less.
It seemed like a forced Christmas and New Year. It was fucked.
Then he was lost. April 25, I couldn't contact him anymore.
Since then, most of our relationship happened like that. It just wasn't the same. I didn't want more, I just wanted it like before. And maybe, more.
Ours became a series of cyclical relationship, it was economical but a big waste of time. Love is there but a chunk of it was lost. And I just couldn't put it together again. And he doesn't even try.
A lot has happened since then but the sum of it all is, we can't put back what was crushed the first time. If we tried, it could come out more beautiful than ever. But, if we tried.
It's November 20, 2013 now. I will be better, I tell myself this until I believe it.
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| Goodbye, love |
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